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Monday, November 2nd, 2009
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10:33 pm - figures i would do my best work when im feeling down
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kinda childish or stupid to be depressed at the fact that when i take a leave of absences from maryjane everyone and there mother wants to smoke with me. -_- life is funny. and to top it all of, i did a lettering plate, i think its the cleanest one i have ever done.life isnt what we expect it, is a huge understatement. but w/e right gotta keep truckin along, cant let the little stuff get me down.
oh yea my dad and mom must have been part rabbit, cause i have some weird sexual appetite. poor colin, lol what am i saying poor dani, complaining her man doesnt sex her enough. if colin needs some extra testosterone he can take it from me, i got tons to spare, ask erika >:]
is sex on my mind all the time, well not all the time, but when your as good as i am how can you not want to use the gift god gave you to make the woman you with melt like cheese.... mmHmm CHEESE!!!!
lol gotta have some self control, cause my friends are starting to tell me i should go to a sex rehab, or sexoholics anonymous. well i probably should, cause the scene from 40 days 40 nights where josh heartnet starts to see girls in there lingere is happening but much worse. i see them naked in my mind >.< porno barely cuts it, and its getting harder to find good porno out there. i wonder could they take my blood and make a new kinda of penis drug, lol that would be a trip ^^ my blood would be worth millions XO
thank god mrs butter worth isnt here XD
ahh now i feel better, imma go watch something and try to fall asleep, just hope no sexy ninjas try and rape me in my sleep ;].... mmhmm bootilicous ass sexy ninjas
current mood:  artistic
current music: life starts now - three days grace
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| Sunday, October 25th, 2009
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7:42 pm - just stay away
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dont talk to me about how great a fuckin day you have had, dont tell me how you won money at the casino, dont tell me you went on a great trip somewhere, yea im happy for you, you had fun, just dont rub it in my face. what do i expect from people, i sure dont expect them to be like me, when i have money or get paid or have opportunity present itself i dont share it with the ones closest to me, oh wait i do. im such a fool to think anyone gives to fuckin cents about how i feel, or maybe im just mad because the past week i havent seen hid nor hair of my girlfriend who means the world to me, and the lack of affection is sure being felt. i get it im attention hungry and a closest time bomb, all my own fuckin problems so this is how i will deal with them i wont have any friends period. i dont want any calls i have turned off my phone. if you read this, which i know probably only one person ever does read it, i will be at my house alone. probably not using the time to look for a job or do my homework, because im really fuckin pissed off right now i could fuckin snap at the shilghtest thing. oh and on top of all this ian accused me of having sex with dustins brothers girlfriend, he said he could hear the guilt in my voice, wow, first bob, now allison, im just a fuckin player aint i god, who am i gonna sleep with next i hope its heidi klum cause i could really use the fuckin publicity. its not so bad being accused of sleeping with someone when you know its not true, but to be told that i sound like im lying when im not really just fuckin pissed me off. i dont have anything to fuckin hide, never have never will so anyone calls me a liar watch your jaw cause i dont miss.
current mood:  RAGE!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Thursday, October 22nd, 2009
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10:12 pm - loneliness is my one weakness
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it always leads me into a bad situation
or a situation i should put myself in
but its hard to fight loneliness
well for me atleast it is
when people are bugging me right and left yea i do enjoy some privacy
but that privacy is short lived
sooner or later...
the quiet sneaks up on me
and then it starts
the calling of people i know will hang out with me at just the call
but what happens when they are busy
loneliness pats my shoulder
and a cold chill runs through my body
as if im the only person on a small island sinking beneath the tide
the music calms me and lets me ignore loneliness
for a while
then the calls to people who are less than friendly start
do i sound pathetic looking for comfort in the companionship of someone who abuses me
just so i wont be alone
will i take the abuse
u bet your ass i will
i feel like a child who has lost his mother
clinging to anyone or anything for comfort
in the back of my head, i know i was abandon by debbie
i guess i just never faced it as a real issue
but even if i didnt search for it
it showed itself
abandonment issues
is that really it
or am i a spoiled attention craving whore
i think that describes me pretty well
i was talking with my mom about why i believe in the friends i have now
even if some of them talk down to me like they are better
even if they steal from me, be it physical or emotional
even if i dont serve a purpose benefitting them
all the loved ones i keep close, the closest
i've seen loneliness in them aswell
ive seen rejection
i feel a kinship of loneliness between us
even if they dont know it
i feel as if im trying to nurture a broken heart
i care about each and everyone of my friends like you wouldnt believe
alan said it best
i probably would jump infront of a bullet for them
would i... sounds believeable, even in my mind
i wonder how each and everyone of my brothers and sisters deals with what im dealing with
do they accept it as a part of them
do they try and fight against it
like knows how they deal with it would help me in some way
i have never been one to follow a clear path
i walk through the forest, burning a path in the earth.
even thinking about if i was some celebrity would i still be dealing with abandonment
why wouldnt i, the people around me would probably all be fake
just there for what i have or what i bring to the table
im an idealist
i dont know what that means, but i will look it up
lol wow thats exactly how i would describe it
all these entries are entries before i snap if i ever do
god only if erika knew how much i need her
would it scare her away
to know that i literally need her
but i can only embrace the days that come
knowing that we arent with each other
i dont wanna be with anyone else but her
of course i would like to see friends
i just wanna be with someone who will never leave me
i know i can handle it better than i have in the past
or is that just wishful thinking
i act as if i wouldnt care if she broke up with me
but thats all it is an act
do i make it obvious
has she noticed
im sure if she knew and felt uncomfortable i would have noticed by now
she is to gentle and kind
im really glad i made one right decision in my life
and that was to chase the most amazing life changing person i would ever know or love
it feels as if i have expressed myself fully
but the spoiled brat in me wants her right now
i just wanna cuddle up to her and fall asleep
but i need to get over this spoiled brat routine
its only holding me back if people give me what i want
if i can overcome this one negative aspect in my life
i can overcome the loneliness completely... one day
but as of right now, the loneliness is eatting at me
i feel compelled to cling to anyone right now
that will fulfill my quiet lonely hell
i know its weak of me
i accomplished a lot of productive things today
woke up early and cut the grass
went to class and finally finished assignment two, which has been due for a week now
helped my mom pay off a bill
went to look for a reasonable car that would get me where i need to go
turned in my financial aid stuff
took the english mid term with confidence
and ignored what could have been a horrible mistake
i saw mike jones
one of the people involved with the robbery of a dear friend of mine
im torn between myself
i want to avenge ron for his loss
but then again what would that get me
so i just said hi to him and walked on my way no regret just an over analytical mindset
i dont wanna finish this, cause i fear i might try to fill my loneliness with pain
but i will not
i have chosen to work on my problems
and i will
when did i become afraid of the decisions i make
when did i realize the decisions i made out of desires were self destructive
do we truely ever know whats good for us
"we try our best
stay postive
never stop believing in yourself and what you do"
these words i live by everyday
embrace life cause its wonderful to know that i can feel this much.
i was strong just right now
i actually avoided something i know that could have left me angry at myself
the small changes do matter
i can only hope that my actions towards those i love can be understood and embraced
and if not
it wasnt a waste
the people i meet in this life
and the people i choose to spend time with
are very dear to me
and i only wish they could understand
i know others dont realize why im the way i am
i hope to teach people that you can be loved
unconditionally
oh my god this feeling in my heart is so beautiful i could cry
i feel so much warmth when i think of everyone
its a feeling i cant describe in words
the best i can do to describe it is... i cant
i only wish to spread this feeling to everyone i know and to those i dont know yet
current mood:  good
current music: hoobastank - the reason
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| Sunday, October 4th, 2009
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6:58 am - the wild thing within me
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it remembers your touch
they miss your warm embrace
a watery recreation
keeps us cool while we get hot
truly magnificent the sense of danger and curiosity
while watching your eyes burn with an extacy
with a passionate kiss it starts...
current mood: artistic
current music: the crips from upon my tree
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| Sunday, September 27th, 2009
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7:24 am - Its like
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a burning abyss of loneliness and despair coursing through my mind, body and soul. the kinda of emptiness that sucks in everything else around it, not because it wants to, but because it needs something to fill it, but nothing will fill its empty void. it feels like a part of me just wants to let loose and give in, but another part of me says stay strong and keep your head up. its like trying not to drown, in the middle of the ocean after being in a plane crash with your closest, and then having your legs and arms ripped off trying to escape the wreckage, you are just floating there, wondering would it just be easier to give up and sink rather than try and stay alive out in the middle of the ocean with no one around for miles. what can you do, i dont want to drown thats for sure, but its getting harder and harder to breathe. eventually the bleeding will end and you will be eatin by the sharks, or atleast thats the surest things in mind at the moment.
i like being with someone and talking about all this, but the person im with is falling asleep and i dont wanna keep them up with my problems, but why oh why is it now that i feel i have to get this off my chest. there wasnt a time in the past that i couldnt go to someone and let them know how im feeling. but its 7:32 in the morning and for the life of me i feel like a 10 year old wanting to run to his mommy because there is a pain in my chest i have never experienced before. throughing my consciousness into a vast chasm dark and devoid of light or hope of salvation. will i go mad from the desolation and if so how long will it take, cause i dont wanna deal with it; but i must.
i believe in myself, i believe in people, i believe that we are never truly prepared for heartache, it is a subconscious action that is needed to express lose or suffering. whatever it is, u cant read a book on it, or learn it from a professor at the best college, its something that has to be witnessed and lived, to get the full impact. the time you invest with someone can fill more than a library. so why when the old saying goes,"if you love something let it go, and if its meant to be, it will come back to you". why is it so hard for me to let go or a bond so deep, a friendship so beautiful. but when it comes to a job i can give it up no problem, even if i have invested time and sweat into doing something that benefits me.
hopefully when i have children, i will love them to death, i will give them the world if i can, i want to be the best dad out there. i see friends with there kids and yea they say they love them, but i never see it, because they are always ditching there kids and wife to be with me and hang out. i understand the need for space, but will i be like that when i have kids, will i eventually get sick of there nagging problems, there sibiling rivalries and ditch them to hang out with my friends. i hope not, i would love for my son or daughter to be attached to me all the time. i would want to spend every waking minute seeing how they witness this world in all its glory. when they grow old and leave me for college or get married i will have gained something else not learned in textbooks or the streets, i will have earned something priceless that will last with me till the end of time. and when they grow older and have there own kids, i will take care of them as well.
i dont fear death, i would just like to leave a little something behind before i go, but if my time is soon, i will go with dignity. i dont know if life is what we make of it or some pre-destined series of events, but i know when my time comes i wont be scared. we all dont get what we want, but i know im thick headed and pretty dare persistant so i wont go easily. i must be a spoiled brat to think that i can get what i want even in death.
im glad i met my family, im glad i know who my birth father and birth mother are. even though i am adopted by a loving caring, immensely supporting woman know to me as my mother, i appreciate the fact that my biological mom cared enough to say hey i think i will keep him. i've seen some people say they would never get an abortion, but when the time came, they didnt own up to there words, a sudden look of fear ran past there eyes when they realized that a child was on the way. some people are really greedy for the fact that they dont wanna give up there happiness for someone else, because they made wrong choices, but do we really realize what those choices are, or do we take them for granted. i think we do the best we can with what we are given, and not all decisions will be agreed with by all, but its our decision is it not, and right or wrong, its us who make the finally call at the end.
even though this is online, it is an outlet, because i might not get feedback at the moment, i know i have gotten something raw off me before it has been allowed time to consume me. this is where i trap my demons, this is where i let it all out, this moment right here is me, and no one can take that away from me, and if they tried i will fight for it to the bitter end. if i can understand one thing about this life is that, if something is precious, and in danger of being taken from us, do we cower in fear and let it take us, or do we fight for what is ours and even if we face death not regret what path we have taken. im glad i live in america where i can feel this way about my freedom, i dont think, with this mindset i would be accepted anywhere else in the world. even though there are laws in america, i dont feel like they have restricted me from doing anything i have wanted to do in my life. i know if i wasnt in this country and grew up elsewhere my vaules would be different and i would be a different person, for better or for worse. other places i wouldnt be able to stay home all day and relax, here i can sit down and be comfortable in my home and watch a movie, or enjoy a conversation with people of different religious, ethnical, cultural, and economic beliefs. sure others might frown upon some of the things i do in my day to day life, but that is the freedom i so enjoy. try and take it away, not even god can take away what i think, my free will and if he could, well what can i say thats up to him.
in the end i have faith. i believe that if i try my hardest, if i trust in my judgment, and believe in myself that no matter where life goes i will have lived a full meaningful life.
even if my vaules and beliefs change in the next few years atleast i have this to look back on, stories of my life, ways i believe, situations that occured, and the ways i dealt with them are all hear, and if i want i can re-read them to better learn from them, or look back on the and smile. for i know the me 4 years ago was full of cheer and naivety, but i do not regret what i had wrote down, i simple smile and think of how far i have come since then.
i truely still do fill lonely, and i know carol is asleep in the other room, but when i heard of her loneliness i wanted to give her a hug and let her know it will be ok. ian has left to utah, and two of her closest friends have also moved and she feels heart broken, i told her, they arent dead so why are you so sad, its just a detour, you will meet eventually and when you do, you will be overjoyed to see them once again. she tells me that her mom is hardly home, and that when she stays out late nights like this one at a friends house that she doesnt even need to check in with her mom to let her know she is alright. she told me that her mom is never home much and it has always been like that. i couldnt help but feel agony in the words she used to describe it, i dont see her as anything more than a friend, but i cant help but want to comfort her in some way, but the only way i know right now is to leave her be, and let her sleep it off. i want to give her a big hug and tell her everything will be alright, but i cant, because i dont know for certain everything will be alright, i dont know what will happen to this little girl who is filled with loneliness. if she were to read this i wish she not take offense to what i have wrote, because it is from what i see and register. but i do wish her the best of luck in finding someone that will always be there to hold her and support her in trying and hard times. i wish her all the love my mom gave me growing up, but the best i can do right now is let her be. i always feel this way, i analyze what someone is saying, from the way their eyes move to the change in tone of there voice. if i have misunderstood the situation completely then i apologize. i cant help but want to do something for someone when i feel this way. it gets me into trouble more often then no. but i feel no shame, cause there is never shame in making a person feel loved, accepted or happy. i dont like frowns i like to see/make people smile if i can. there is a certain joy i get from doing something like this.
to carol, you will always be the most thuged out gangster i know, but try and let people in. i know you have had bad luck in the past, but if you never risk anything, then you wont ever gain anything.
i love all my friends. if i have ever made you feel uncomfortable i apologize, for i was being greedy and trying to fix a situation and failed. i hope that at my funeral, everyone will show up and hug one another, even if there are hard feelings, i want to animosity at my dead bed. no one has to come even, just dont fight, cause even though each of you disagree with each other or hate each other, just remember you share something in common. what you share in common is the fact that for each one of you, i saw something different, and through the hard times i never let you go, because i see and understand the true you inside and love you for it. you all share me and you are all in my heart. its somethings wonderful to have so many people in my heart.
current mood:  awake
current music: Pain - Three Days Grace
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| Friday, September 25th, 2009
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11:17 pm - i promised myself i would't...
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| Sunday, September 20th, 2009
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10:04 pm - alone
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wow fuckin wow you really cant trust anyone now a days
-_-
thats what imma tell my son
dont trust women
they devils
if they cant have you
they ruin you
you always hvae to be on top of your game
but there are some women out there that will stick with you through everything
and no matter what those ones are the ones you can trust
cause through the fires of hell they are good strong women
and they will always know what they want
and ps son, your other brain will try and lead you, but you must always keep your wits about yourself and not be tempted. cause any man can be bought, but the ones that want nothing, usually get everything
and thats what i have, and her name is Erika Cecil Zepeda
current mood: content
current music: melody in my head
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, September 19th, 2009
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4:14 pm - my self destructive sub-conscious
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i may know whats going on
but can i stop it
or will it eat me up in the end
when i die
it will be because i chose to die
the situation
the circumstance
the outcome
i wont let myself be killd my anyone
but myself...
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3:33 pm - its my own damn fault...
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rarely when im not doing something wrong
i get yelled at
but tonight was hell
carol comes over to kick it and tick it
the usual just come over and keep each other company in a calming silence all night
she is on the laptop listening to music and writing god knows what
im online looking up examples of how to sketch facial features and playing dota
all throughout the house
nothing was making noise
not even a mouse
fe fi fo fum
who walks in and wakes up the neighborhood
my mom
lol i could see if she caught me doing something im not suppose to
but for staying up all night with a person
god tell me why is there not a hand cannon in my hands right now
i swear if i didnt need drugs before i probably do now
just when im starting something good in lfe
is it a tough love thing
that when you see your son trying hard
you kick him down
and make him feel like shit.
i dont know how i stay so positive
i fear one day the stress the anxiety
all of it will overwhelm and eclipse my conscious
one day i wont be able to handle it with the calm cool head i have always had
i fear one day i wont like what i have done
carol ask," how do you always keep a smile even after your mom yells like that and tells you such horrible things." i told her i dont know its just a way i have learned to coop with the situation. it will probably lead to self distruction. god i just wanna hold somebody.
i love my mom so much, but i cant stop thinking of how i want her to die, i know its horrible god, but i cant help it. cause i know she would die before she ever admitted she was wrong.
and if im not thinking of killing her, the same words keep playing over in my head. "u only have to pull the trigger and the yelling will stop"
"pull it"
"do it"
"the hurting will stop"
but im guessing i probably deserve this somehow, its karma for something i have done. i accept it and i will not let it bring me down.
i dont think even if i became anything worth while she would stop bitching, is it really so wrong to wish your mom was dead, gone, non-existant. my birth mother debbie could she really be like this woman, or worse, atleast she was on drugs. i really wish i could see who im hurting. cause i dont know what im doing wrong. god i do my best and i wish that was all, but can i really go on.
my name salvador means savior. carol told me that last night,"who am i going to save" who am i going to save? can you save yourself? if so how? maybe im here to save the people i meet, maybe everyone i meet takes something from me, not physically, but mentally. lol look at how conceited i am to think i could make a difference, but its not conceited, when you expect nothing in return. am i really here to save people, cause if so i could use a little saving myself. i dont know when it will be, a few years from now, or a few hours, but when i look back on these words and i realize that i dont think that way anymore. will i be a person that can look myself in the mirror, will i still be here, or will i have transcended my old way of thinking into something far better than what it is today. will i have done something great with my life, will i have saved a life, will my life have been saved. i dont know the answers to these questions, but i do know this, i can only do my best and always expect nothing, cause thats how it is for me.
alan told me i saved him one time, from getting bullied, but i dont remember that. but i guess i did do it, i did save someone. and it has blossomed into a beautiful friendship. i know he always has my back and i have his, even though we talk shit to each other, we dont mean it.
is it the decisions we make in life of ur own free will
or is it some higher unknown power controlling everything from behind the scenes,
i doubt the second one, but i could be wrong
if it is the first, i do not regret a decision i have made yet.
they say the good die young, they better stop teasing me
current mood:  melancholy
current music: the melody of suicide - the cortex of my brain
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| Saturday, August 1st, 2009
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4:27 pm - Fear
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small>do i have fear anymore
i was wondering this the other day
im not to sure really
i know i fear a lot
but is it beaue i have fear
that i can stand strong in the face of danger
or is it because i chace danger that i know no fear
whatever it is
i impress myself each day
though if i only shut my mouth more
and let my actions speak i wonder how life would be then
but i have a tendency to say the worst things to people.
well all i know is i will never backdown
i love all my friends
but i will not be disrespected
i am not wrong in my actions
current mood:  blank
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| Thursday, July 30th, 2009
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4:42 pm - Singing
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FEELS SO GOOD!!! omg i cant describe how good it feels to sing my heart out on rockband. singing in general feels oh so fuckin great, i love every bit of letting the music take hold. i dont see how others can be self conscious about singing infront of other people.
current mood: Fuckin great
current music: Green Day - Viva la Gloria
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| Monday, July 27th, 2009
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3:31 pm - why am i like a jake rabbit
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cant stop the way i feel
i can only live with it
and to live with it means to do what i must to stay afloat
even if it means pissing someone off
because they piss me off
but i cant be mad if they dont feel the way i feel
current mood: dirty
current music: cold - happens all the time
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| Sunday, July 26th, 2009
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9:14 pm - Seeing Red
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trying not to fall under the temptation of drugs
doing nicely today
listening to chevelle
and fighting it all off with rage
and singing
i wish i had something to punch though
i hate being alone, but the people i tend to put myself around
are all filled with drama
what to do
when you have abandonment issues
and you have the kind of brain i do
shit just doesnt make sense
i think i need to see a shrink
my sister says it sounds like i do
and i have always considered it
but i fear i already know whats wrong
why would i need a licensed specailist to tell me what i know
"be brave
re shape
create
reclaim
be brave
reshape
create
reclaim"
current mood: bored to the point of ...
current music: Breach Birth - Chevelle
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| Friday, July 24th, 2009
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1:30 pm - I Love My Sister Amber Cher so much
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i cant describe in words, she always knows what to say T.T i know as a man i shouldn't cry but i just wanna let it out so bad, i feel like i have all these emotions bottled up inside and i just want a shoulder to cry on. i wanna tell everyone how much i appreciate them for being in my life, but i dont wanna cry on everyones shoulder. but it does feel good to cry and be raw
current mood:  anxious
current music: The Red
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| Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009
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6:06 pm - thoughts for today
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i guess there is a day like today, or yesterday or the day before, when i just dont want something, i just wanna enjoy my time. i know i always want it but for the past few days, it hasnt been an issue. i feel a sense of clarity for some reason. it feels good, but then again it feels like my heart is open for anything and anyone. i feel like going out and being spontaneous. i dont know, haven't have this feeling in quite a while.
current mood: blank
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| Thursday, July 9th, 2009
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9:20 am - the truth hurts
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whether it be the loneliness of being left alone at home
or someone telling you that you arent good enough to make a husband
it all just really stings and hurts on a deeper level, than telling the normal turth
i am always the one for telling the truth
but now i just dont know
it hurts to much
and i can see the pain in someones eyes
i can feel the sadness leakin out there pores
its as if i can taste it in the air when the feel this loneliness or sadness
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| Monday, July 6th, 2009
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10:49 pm - Why oh why
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did god curse me with this awesome brain :D and this rugged beard :D
WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CHRISTIAN'S INFERNO!!!!!!!!!!!
lol random much gotta get a new picture up here soon. i dont have long hair no more >:]
current mood:  Random
current music: Christians inferno - green day
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| Sunday, July 5th, 2009
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11:19 am - Nice 4th of july
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spent behind the eyelids of a reoccurring dream
current mood:  curious
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| Saturday, June 20th, 2009
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4:59 am - its feels like lookin through a glass window
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3:59 am - how long
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blackangel0069's journal
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